|
I have some long, winding thoughts in my head that I need to write down. Just a warning. This could take awhile. And I am truly using this as my journal today.
I'm wondering how I can change my thinking to help me lose weight. I watched this new challenge Dr. Phil has on yesterday and went to his website to read what he had to say about losing weight. And the funny thing is, I don't really feel like any of that relates to me. So I'm wondering, "Why am I fat?"
I am not misguided on why I am overweight. I know this is a problem for many people. But for me, I know that if I ate less and exercised more, I would lose weight. I do not place the blame on anyone or anything else. I do not think it is "hormones" or that its "heredity" (except perhaps that we pass on bad habits to our children - but even with that I believe that we all have the power to overcome our parents and create new habits for ourselves). I do not think it is because I have to cook for others. In fact, my family is EXTREMELY flexible with food and I find it easy to cook healthy for them. My only excuses are my own. I am responsible for this.
Do I have low self-esteem? Is that contributing? I suppose. Don't we all? But I don't think it is extreme. In fact, sometimes I think I have the opposite problem. I have a hard time believing that I'm as fat as I am. I don't feel fat. When I dress up, I think I'm hot!!! I am so surprised to see pictures of myself. I'm like, "Who is that fat girl?" And then I realize its me and I'm like, "What the heck? Why did I look so bloated that day?" My self image is messed up. Its true. But not in the way it is with most people. I think I'm thin all the time. Even when shopping for clothes, I always think I can fit in smaller sizes than I do!! I've always heard that if your self image is good you lose weight easier. Not true for me.
So how do I get my self image in line with reality? Do I hang pictures of my fat self around the house? Or would that just make me depressed?
Dr. Phil said that overweight people are having problems giving voice to their inner self. And they tend to suppress that voice with food. Well, I'm not sure what my inner voice needs to say. I am a very outspoken individual. I very seldom have felt like I couldn't say what was on my mind. And the people that love me accept this from me. What am I suppressing? I don't think there is anything!
So what makes it hard for me to follow through when I'm trying to change my lifestyle? What is inside me that makes me sabotage this quest? Why did I have that candy yesterday?
I want this. And I think I want this for all the right reasons. #1 is because I want to be more healthy. But why don't I act like its a priority?
I know I do have an inner rebel in me about dieting. I believe this is because I was put on my first diet when I was 6 years old. My mother took me to weight watchers the first time when I was just 10 years old. I remember that I never used to hide food. Then my parents took me to a doctor when I was 13 or 14 and he said, "Do you hide food?" I said, "no" because I didn't. But secretly I thought, "You can do that?" And after that I started sneaking food.
So maybe its simply about control with me. But wouldn't dieting and having control over losing weight give me the same reinforcements about that control? Why doesn't it work the same way?
And I have made peace with this aspect of my childhood with my parents. We've had big fights and big discussions about it. And that has been many years ago. They NEVER say negative things about my weight or about my eating (I don't even think they were negative when I was a child. It was always about positive reinforcement). And they don't care what I eat anymore. I guess they no longer feel responsible for it like they may have back then. In any case, it is no longer something that plays into my life. And if I really think about it, its something that I believe I've confronted and am comfortable with the outcome. It can't change. It pisses me off that they didn't just leave me alone. Because I'm convinced that it would have worked itself out. My parents know that. What else do you do with that? I'm over it and I want to move on.
I mean, is that it? That's the only thing I can think of. That can't be it because it really does not bother me too bad anymore. I've worked through those things already.
What else is in my head that I don't know about?
I think that's all I have in me right now. Did I get anywhere?
|
 Comments
Wow. I didn't realize those were my same thoughts until I saw them in writing! I'd love to write with an answer or advice, but to be honest, I'm out...haven't a clue...but you're not alone. I've never thought of it in THAT way before but you hit the nail on the head. The difference was I was way skinny up until 23...could eat anything and everything...so I didn't have the child diet issues however, the rest of what you said? Whoa. I have the same confusions...I hear the Dr. Phils, the Jillians and the Bobs and what they insist is the core source of weight issues just don't tie in with my personality....but, they aren't stupid people, so do they and I don't realize it? Thanks for writing all this...I'll be totally thinking hard all day, (I don't thank you for THAT) but sometimes reflection into who one REALLY is is a good thing, and I hope we both find our answers. (assuming they are good answers, if I find a bad answer then I'm going to kick your butt!)
02 Oct 08 by member: acastiglione
|
Thank you for writing that!! You made me laugh and I needed to - my head hurt from writing about all this!! I feel the same way - there has to be an answer. I just don't know how to get there. And I feel like if I can find that answer it will make my journey easier.
02 Oct 08 by member: Paige E
|
In answer to your question; I don't know if you got anywhere in your revelations (although I think you're very aware of yourself and are rationalizing this VERY WELL), but I felt a lot of pain in those words. This isn't the first time I've seen such insightful words from you...in fact I think this is the 3rd time it's touched/bothered me so much...making me wish I could send out that boat that will get you across the lake safely! Might I add though, that the doctor who asked you if you hid food; HE SUCKED! (my own personal weighty, lofty opinion!) but indulge me for a moment, if you will; He tainted your otherwise innocent view of your life, made you self conscious and he also caused you to see your eating habits in a different (negative) light! Two things; #1. it was as if he had to BLAME someone for your weight issues (which is where/when he should have directed questions about home life and food choices to the PARENTS!) and #2. He instead chose to place the burden on your young shoulders, as if you had to be doing something dreadfully wrong to be so overweight! You see what I'm trying to say here?? It just leaves me to wonder if the reason why you felt driven to eat the candy yesterday, lies more on an emotional, angry level?? I know I know...Just call me Dr. Phil's assistant! It's hard for me not to try and pique, as well as pick, your brain! just tell me to shut up! (you never know, one day I just might!) LOL hugs to you!!
02 Oct 08 by member: BadAndee
|
02 Oct 08 by member: BadAndee
|
WOW, How did you pop into my head and read my thoughts! I know what it's like to be on a diet most of your life. My mother first took me to WW when I was only 135 lbs, There are times where I wonder what the hell she was thinking (pardon the language) It was at that time that my life really changed. I constantly yo-yo dieted from that point on. In my early twenties my weight was under good control and I was right on target but that was still never good enough I just continued to try to lose weight even when I didn't need to. Why? Because it was the only way I knew how to eat, to be constantly on a diet. Oh and about the pictures hanging all over the house comment you made, I do that lol! I hang them on the fridge, and the exercise equipment, and in my pantry. One look at those and I feel the need to run literally
02 Oct 08 by member: shellysplash
|
BA is right...that doctor sucked!...I know it is a horrible thing to mention but I immediately thought of the story an older female friend of mine told me about when she was twelve years old and in confession (her family is Catholic), when the priest asked her if she "touched herself" and she didn't even know what that meant but it screwed up not only her relationships but her faith for most of her adult life. I don't think that is any different, really, because it took away your innocence....Your parents did what they thought was best for you. Many girls go through a chunky period in pre-teen and early teen years. It DOES work itself out....Recently a buddy of mine on here recommended the book "the secret language of eating disorders". It really helped me with my perfectionism. It helped me to understand that I CAN love myself and strive to improve myself at the same time....Of course it takes time to put into practice....I see a lot of pain in your journal too, but sometimes writing it down is the best way to deal with it. Just keep striving because you deserve this! You deserve to be healthy and happy with yourself! You don't have to fit into someone else's box. You are HOT! and you need to get to whatever weight is healthy for YOU! Not someone else's ideal, but one that you feel is right. Hold on to that image of yourself, as you see yourself in your mind's eye. That is the Paige that is inside just bursting to come out. That Paige does exist and strengthen that part of you. Don't keep pictures of what you look like, keep pictures of what you want to look like. Find a photo (it can be of someone else) of a shape that represents how you see yourself in your mind's eye and paste your face onto it. Visualization is very important. Hang in there.
02 Oct 08 by member: sararay
|
Whoa, I feel like I can totally relate to you. I was a hefty child, starting my first diet at 12 and losing 13lbs before I felt so deprived and mad at my mom that I just quit! I've since lost/gained, lost/gained.... and on and on and on. I feel like I've put on this weight again... doing the same dance number trying to get it off as I've been doing about my whole life!! Now, I truely feel we have more in common than words can express!
02 Oct 08 by member: lorik
|
Well you all 3 made me laugh here and there - and I thought as I was reading Paige's journal that Dr. Phil should check it out ~ good stuff!
To answer the question of how then do we get deal with it?....I'm not sure. GREAT, Rumali, thanks for the input!!
But I do agree with BA - the impact of lessons learned young is great.
For example ~
If you care to bear with 'a story':
My folks, well mom, was well-meaning, but hyper aware of weight/exercise. Like, we got cutout newpaper/mag articles with our breakfast & everyday constant 'scare tactic;)' comments about stuff we were eating. 3 of us (4 sisters) were always in sports & thin, but somehow it didn't seem enough...like there was this overshadowing paranoia of 'look out, or the fat will come & get you...wha~ha~haaa(evil laugh).' My oldest sis was also in sports, but always JUST BARELY heavy - her affectionate nickname since 3 was 'the fatz'. She's 45 now, and still pissed(I don't know why that made me laugh inappropriately, but it did). I wound up bulemarexic(recovery since'89), my oldest sis still struggling with her weight issues, don't know what's going on in other 2's heads...
What's the point? - As much as we have made peace with parents for the (I am sure well-meaning) attention they placed on child-body-image, or the habits learned - I'm pretty sure that stuff continues to resonate deep within us. We can't change how/what you were taught growing up...we can only become ulta-honest about how it messed up our reactions/coping skills/perspective, and learn new healthier methods to practice. Then, that undefinable ability to put 'the candy bar' down...that moment...is attainable.
What a load of baloney that sounds like - I didn't mean it to. One thing I do do (I said doo-doo)about changing deep/life long issues is holographic repatterning. I go 1xmonth. It's a type of therapy, & a whole other rant - simply I will say it truly HAS positively changed my mind, body & spirit...and deleted a lot of that childhood(& other) DOO-DOO from my life.
OK, stop rambling...enough procrastinating...off to chores of the day. Now I shall blessedly shut it:).
p.s. badandee don't ever shut up, we like your craazy smart self!
02 Oct 08 by member: rumali
|
I have found it counterproductive to dwell on the mistakes of the past, especially parents' mistakes. From my understanding, most parents are afraid of messing up their children and sometimes do do destructive things out of an abundance of love and some fear. And, face it, many parents are young themselves, with other children, and they deal with many situations as they happen. They simply do not have a lot of time to analyze the best approach. They react with their own demons, pressures and, hopefully, love. I have the same problem with overeating and discipline; I don't suffer from lack of self esteem, but the excess weight does hold me back in a number of ways emotionally, socially and financially. I find I do well when I force myself out of my comfort zone, challenge myself, and try to break out of my eating habits by shaking up my daily routines in little ways. I have also found that self-denial plays a part. I don't think of myself as obese, but everything I read says I am. My doctors' say I am dangerously overweight. My clothes size says I am too. It is seldom as simple as so many of the Dr. Phils want us to believe, but sometimes if you tackle one big thing, the rest falls into place (or at least seems possible to manage).
I am sorry if this is rambling, but I am watching the debate at the same time. I was afraid Gov. Palin would make a fool of herself, but she is actually doing well. I am going to go watch now. Don't let others tell you what you are.
02 Oct 08 by member: Sousani
|
Wow, Paige, you certainly got some people thinking here! I have been struggling with my weight and self esteem all my life too. And I don't feel as heavy as what I see in a mirror or a reflection of a store window, or a picture of myself. And it still HURTS! Words that people say can be stinging and stick in your mind all your life no matter how old you get. I still remember a name that a kid called me in 6th grade and I still remember his name too! And that was many many many moons ago! I think that there are many psychological reasons for why we reach for that candy when we shouldn't.......control, comfort, or just because. Since these feelings have been ingrained in us since we were children, it really is hard to get over it no matter how old we get. So we just have to learn how to cope with it and tell ourselves that we WILL NOT let it get to us! Writing your thoughts in your journal is good therapy. Get all those feelings out and written down, and hopefully all us FS buddies helped you in some way! ((((HUGS)))
03 Oct 08 by member: mbhpro
|
Great reflection Paige. I too can relate to childhood obesity problems, doctors visits,and feeling 'different' than my friends because of the new tag(label) of fat given to me as a very young girl. At least I have much thanks to my parents for investigation if there were any underlying pathological causes for my 'chubbiness'(cute word used for overweight children only) rather than just letting me figure it out when I became older (which in essence is what we are all trying to do now 52 years later. Being overweight ALL my life (I was a size 3 at birth- lol)has played big time on my self esteem carrying around a visual label which I tried to hide from. My heart goes out to you... my answer to you is continue to have the courage and will to change to a healthier lifestyle because you deserve it. We are here to support you.
Thank you for sharing and letting us see your BIG heart.
(((hugs)))
03 Oct 08 by member: NJOYNLF
|
Hey pagey!! wanna box?! that'll make ya feel better!! come on!! I'll even let ya get in one or two decent shots!! LOL I'M CALLIN' YA OUT, GIRL!! lol :)
04 Oct 08 by member: BadAndee
|
Hi Paige, just finished reading Valerie Frankel's "Thin is the New Happy". She struggled w/weight issues from a young age also. I enjoyed reading her physical, emotional, spiritual journey. Totally recommend it. I wrote a bit about it in my journal today. Feel free to read about it.
05 Oct 08 by member: JulieC
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment. Click here to sign in.
|
|
|
|