mighty.rose's Journal, 23 Aug 20

I dont really know why Im writing this today, maybe its a desperate plea to myself to stop this downhill spiral of eating too much and not moving enough. The thing is I know I can lose weight, Ive done it before.... Raised by my grandparents I was an overweight child. i would say 6 out of 7 dinners were something with chips, egg and chips, sausage and chips, egg, bacon and chips. chips with cheese and beans. Proper chips as well, done in a deep fat fryer, fried eggs. Fizzy drink on the side. Sundays was a roast, veg cooked to death, cheap meat, amazing roast potatoes. When no one was home after school Id make my own dinner, whole pan of boiled pasta covered in butter and salt or maybe a microwave donor kebab, I really liked those. My nan being born in the 20s didnt realise the food was unhealthy the same way she didnt realise smoking was. Can I just say as well I really liked and still like chips and beans and fried eggs!! They were from a different era. Portion size was an issue and is an issue for me now too 20, 30 years later. I remained overweight until I started secondary school, started taking an interest in boys, friends, smoking and generally being a nuisance. Breakfast wasnt important nor was lunch or dinner. I had other stuff to worry about. By 17 I had moved out, got my own place and a job and food wasnt of any importance to me. Im 5 foot 4. From about ages 17 to 26 i was between 8 and 10.5 stone, healthy and never concious of food, weight etc. At 27 I had my son, he was 2 weeks late, born by emergency c section and I was as wide as I was tall, absolutely huge. I tried to breastfeed, and couldn't, I split from his dad and was a witness in a serious court case. I developed depression and food became my best friend. I became very interested in cooking and baking and fell in love with food, I needed a reason to get dressed and leave the house so would go the shops and buy all different ingredients and experiment, then eat all of my creations. When the baby was bathed and settled for the night I would try out different wines and recipes. I barely did any exercise at all. By the time he was 3 I was drinking most nights and was a size 18, i weighed around 14.5 stone. I decided my weight was making me unhappy and I didnt want to put myself in an early grave. I started to buy those purple weight watchers meals from iceland, a pound each, i would have one of those for dinner with some broccoli or green beans. I returned to Kickboxing once a week, breakfast would be poached egg and tomatoes and mushrooms. I lost a bit of weight. I found food a struggle to control but I fell in love with exercise. I moved house, bought a bike and would go on cycles. When my son was with his dad I would go to gym classes, body combat, kettlebells, circuits. Whilst I accepted I had a problem with food, I couldn't get enough exercise. I entered 5k runs for fun all the time. I was a regular at the gym and without realising I was making better food choices and eating less and the weight came off. It was 2016 when my son was 5/6 and I was 32/33 I think. I moved again and was about 11 stone, a healthy size 12. Instagram and social media had really taken off and I followed loads of clean eating pages and fitness pages. I was fit and healthy and happy but I wanted muscles!! My son was at school, I was single and working part time. I joined a gym near my house and fell totally in love with weights. I was going to the gym roughly 5 times a week, sometimes twice a day, mainly doing weights and yoga but occasionally cardio for fun. i was eating very clean, counting protein etc etc..... then I fell in love, fell pregnant with twins within 3 months, due to a twin pregnancy being high risk, cancelled my gym membership, gave all of my home equipment away for free, my bench, my weights everything. My partner and I would have movie nights with pizza, homemade dinners, meals out, everything revolving around food. no exercise. Every football game would involve pizza, crisps, kebabs... my twins were born in 2017.. its been a crazy 3 years... my partner has gained 6 stone in 4 years. I am as i type this the heaviest I have been in my life. Im 15 stone, size 18. im unfit, unhealthy and unhappy that in 4 years i have gone from a size 10, huge biceps and working on a sixpack to a 15 stone blob who can't do 1 sit up. i have no feeling in my stomach or abdomen, i dont feel hunger or feel full. i have a diastasis recti, no core strength and a massive flabby middle that looks amd feels odd. So here I am, I've downloaded this app, I've bought a cheap bike and once again i am on this journey. Let me tell you, food is still my friend but with twin toddlers its what keeps me going, caffeine , quick sugar rushes to get through, eating kids leftovers...all the bad habits i do it. takeaways cause im too exhausted from the kids and work to cook... what a mess. BUT ive done it before, I can do it. I want to live a long time for my kids, i want to be a good role model, i want to love myself again enough to do this.....

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1843 kcal

Fat: 85.62g | Prot: 61.21g | Carbs: 204.16g.   Breakfast:  Clotted Cream, Tesco Raspberry Jam, Iceland Fruited Scone ,  Apple Juice,  Tea with Milk and Sugar. Lunch:  Cooked Egg,  Avocados , Heinz Baked Beans , Bertolli Light Spread, Hovis Best of Both Medium, Skips Skips Tingly Prawn Cocktail, Coca-Cola Diet Coca-Cola (Can). Dinner: Marks & Spencer Spaghetti Bolognese (400g). more...

2371 kcal

Exercise: Walking (slow) - 3/kph - 37 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 23 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...