erin74kr's Journal

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16 October 2010

Well, just a few more days til i'm out of camp. Anyone still with me? I feel so disconnected from the real world out here. I have been feeling pretty down on myself the past few days, pudgy, bloated. Ate two double chocolate cookies tonight. And a puff wheat square... and a piece of chocolate pudding cake. Binge.. I am back in that cycle of eating where what you eat doesn't give you proper energy, and when I feel lethargic, my instinct is to eat, and it just repeats like that. Sugar rise, crash, rise, crash. I hate it, but the food choices are not great.

I think I need to bring a scale up here, because I need the motivation I get from fluctuations. daily reality checks instead of bi-weekly reality checks. So easy to get off track, especially with the food here. Everything has sauce on it, or is a sandwich, or is a processed product. I was eating scrambled eggs for the first few weeks until I found out that they pour the egg product out of a jug. What the eff is so hard about cracking a few eggs? Ugh. So now I pretty much subsist on bacon, salad,yogurt (which is the added sugar kind, unfortunately) and apples. Plus whatever sauce-slathered protein they serve up at dinner. Can't wait to get out, this set has been very long. To add extra challenge, I'll be travelling the entire three weeks out, but everyone I'm going to see understands I'm a bit of a health nut now and won't mind me being a picky eater. Need to detox.

Despite how big I've been feeling, I took measurements today and they are roughly the same as when I came in... 31 waist and 41 hips, so maybe I'm not as bad off as I thought. All my clothes still fit, but I tell myself I've stretched them. :P No more binges though. Going to spend my last few days trying to clear my system of bad things as best I can from here. Lots of tea and vegetables. I hope I haven't set myself back too far. I'm still running 3-5 days a week, about 5k each time. It's been a challenge as it gets dark here about 7pm and I get off of work at 6pm. Today I had to resort to running laps in the gym, which wasn't s bad as I thought it would be!

I bought a Bodymedia Fit that should be delivered the day after I get back!! Pretty excited about using it to see how much calories I burn doing my job, which is pretty much on my feet 12 hours a day. I'm hoping seeing how much calories I actually burn on a daily basis will help my refocus on my goals. I should be at 160 by the end of the month, but I don't think I'll be there. I'll be happy to be under 170 by then, but again, I'll have to see how far I slipped while in camp.

I'm off to read your journals and see how you're all doing! :) Hope everyone is well!

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28 September 2010

Three milestones today:

1) My ticker turned green!
2) My BMI is now 30, .5 pounds away from being Overweight instead of Obese according to the wildly inaccurate BMI scale!
3) I fit a size 10, sometimes a size 12, but actually a size 10! Really! I have never fit under a size 12. Although perhaps sizes are a bit different than they were last time I was this weight (6+ years ago).

Going back up north to work tomorrow, pretty excited about it. :)

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28 September 2010

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
76.9 kg	12.9 kg	13.4 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 6.4 kg a Week

27 September 2010

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
77.8 kg	12.0 kg	14.3 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment steady weight

26 September 2010

Reasons I hate my Hometown

I miss Thompson a lot sometimes, maybe if only by an instinctual yearning for home. I’m 2,522 or more KMs away from where I grew up at any given time, but sometimes when I talk to people from there, it feels like I’m right back there again. I don’t keep in touch with too many people from there, I have about three friends that I talk to on a regular basis, and lots of others that I would love to have a drink with. Only three that I might consider close/best friends.

It’s been 7 years since I left Thompson. I left because I felt like I couldn’t reinvent myself. Everyone there knew me as a certain way, a certain type of person, and that person they thought I was was a bit of an act anyway. I didn’t want to drink all the time, I didn’t want to be easy.

I went to WInnipeg first, then moved west to BC, and was able to be whoever I wanted, and learned I’m a very sweet person, who maybe tries too hard to make people comfortable at the expense of my own self-respect. Explains the easy reputation, at any rate. 7 years I have been myself, and checked in every so often with the 3 people I cared about most, just to let them know I was alright. And, a few hardships aside, I’ve been alright and I’ve done my best to be a good person and be completely true to myself despite my lack of confidence and self-esteem, at times.

Last week, I was having a bit of a issue (which if you read an earlier entry, you know what i'm talking about, but I really needed a female who had been through a similar thing to talk to. I chose to talk to two of my closest (and really, only) female friends about it. One, escaped like me to BC and, also like me, has shed most of her Thompson-related habits, and the other still lives in my hometown. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone openly and honestly about what was going on.

Last night, the one from Thompson texted me and asked me to call them as they were having a party and missed me. How odd, that they missed me when we talk so rarely. It was her and the other 2 people I actually care about. As I was talking on the phone with one, she texted me saying “He knows about whats going on with you.” meaning she had told my closest male friend the extremely personal problem I was facing. Just shamelessly texted me that.

WHY would she do that? She knew how hard it was for me to talk about anything difficult in the first place. Why would that possibly seem like an acceptable thing to do? I feel completely betrayed, and also sort of just exhausted at the whole thing. That IS Thompson. That’s why I left. You might go unnoticed for years at a time, but the moment anything happens to you that is tough or noteworthy, it’s front page news. Suddenly it’s something to talk about, because talking about getting drunk last night was getting boring. It’s only in Thompson that I’ve ever seen such a voracious appetite for the hardship of your ‘friends’ and acquaintances.

No one cares that I have managed to support and take care of myself for the past 7 years. No one cares that I have a career that I love and that I’ve seen so many wonderful places since I left. No one cares that I’ve gotten in shape, gained confidence, learned to love myself. They care when I fail. When I fail, that’s interesting. When I fail, their miserable existence seems a bit brighter. It’s disgusting, and if, in my whole life, the only thing I accomplished is leaving that cesspool, I will have succeeded.

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