erin74kr's Journal

41 to 45 of 103

Page: Previous ... 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next

25 September 2010

So I posted on my Twitter today that it makes me sad when women eat very little and don't exercise, because it does! My sister replied, saying she eats very little and doesn't exercise, and she had dropped from 189-156 pounds recently!

It bothers me so much that my sister doesn't see the value of exercise, and that her goals are merely weight loss, instead of improved health. Because I know how smart she is, and I know she has had problems with diet pills and severe anemia in the past from not eating properly. She says she hates exercise, but I don't know how anyone who has exercised on a consistant basis could really *hate* it. I hated exercise when I would do too much too fast and felt like a failure because I couldn't live up to unrealistic expectations. She is two years older than me, and we have always been competitive when it came to appearance. She is this gorgeous person, with really big boobs and perfect skin and dramatic features, and the best nose! Even when she was bigger than me (not very often, but with yo-yo dieting, it happened), she seemed to be more feminine and beautiful than I am.

I guess maybe a little bit of jealousy exists because she's reached a lower weight than I have in less than 2 months, after the really hard work I've put in over the past 4 months. And also, I have been looking forward to seeing my family at christmas for the first time, and then seeing the progress I made in making myself healthier. Instead, they will see my thinner but weaker sister and my success will be muted by comparison. Ok, so maybe more than a little bit of jealousy is at play here.

But with the muscle I've gained, mayeb we aren't so far apart in size anyway, and anyway, what does that matter? I'm healthy and I feel great, and I'm improving myself in a different way than she is. I wish I could somehow put her on board so she could see success in a different light, but I guess it is her life.

I guess, I find it frustrating when people reach success, or what seems like bigger success, than I have by doing things in an unhealthy way. Of course, the point is that mine will be permanent, as long as I don't give up on myself and my health, which I won't, and she will inevitably gain back her weight when she stops restricting herself.

I just wanted to vent somewhere about that.

(4 comments)

23 September 2010

Eek, awkward journal entry ahead.

Hesitated to write about this here, but this is about my health and wellness and no one from real life reads it, so it should be ok. If it makes anyone uncomfortable, I apologize.

I went to the doctor after experiencing those insane hunger cravings last week. There was something weird going on with my body, i could feel it. Turns out I am/was about a month pregnant, and when doing an ultrasound, they couldn't see it so they deduced it was an ectopic pregnancy, so I've been given a treatment to basically force a miscarriage, or a 'medical abortion', since ectopic pregnancies are extremely dangerous.

Now, it was pretty stupid of me to be so lax on birth control that this could happen. I've never been pregnant before and that was definitely not in the life plan.

I don't really have any feelings on the situation yet, I've just done the treatment today. I've continued to go to the gym every day, but my eating habits have varied a bit, with the cravings and the stress of the situation. When I first foudn out, I was pretty much in shock/scared, and couldn't see past the situation at all. Fortunately, I was kind of jolted back into reality, and the realization of how irresponsible unprotected sex can be. Luckily, after doing many, many tests and blood tests, I have a clean bill of health down there, so that's very lucky, except for this situation of course.

I've just started the treatment today, and it will take a few weeks for the hormones to go back to normal. Not going to scold myself too harshly if I experience any gains or losses over the next few weeks, but I'm more committed than ever about my health. I don't really want to think about what would've happened had keeping the pregnancy been an option, what with a border seperating me and my significant other, and all that. Makes me question the relationship situation that I'm in a bit, to be honest.

(7 comments)

20 September 2010

Dealing with some pretty intense food cravings today and yesterday. Not sure what's up. Started the day off with ice cream and chocolate, and dialed the number to the pizza place several times before hanging up. I've never really experienced such an intense craving for food before, and certainly not in the past few months. In a way it scares me because it makes me feel like I'm deficient in something that my body's trying to tell me I need, but ice cream and pizza surely isn't it. Trying to balance my calories for the rest of the day to avoid sabotage. The satisfaction from the ice cream and chocolate was very short-lived, so what they say about sugar spikes certainly rings true, especially when you've not experienced it in awhile. I think I'd be hungry even if I ate everything I wanted to. Weird day. Hormones I guess?

(2 comments)

17 September 2010

Went out last night and ate, and drank. Not feeling terribly guilty, as it didn't change how I felt about my eating habits in the morning. Just a hiccup. Bit choked that I put in a heroic effort at the gym only to cancel it out with consumables, but that's alright, heading there again tonight to do my legs and back. Did my upper body and abs last night, and am really getting into a routine of strength training that feels effective. I used to lift weights at a level where maybe the last rep was a bit shaky, but now I try to use weight that is moderately tough from the beginning. I want to change my body, not keep it the way it was.

Took new progress pics yesterday, the difference is incredible, but as the pics are in my underwear, I'll probably refrain from posting them until I am at my goal weight. I feel really good at this weight, not sure if I will feel the same way about 160, since I've never been there! Still self conscious about my arms, I don't know if any amount of weight training will change that feeling though, it's a psychological thing that doesn't go away right away. Now I can see the muscle that incased in fat, but getting rid of the fat around it is going to take time, and patience.

More and more, this journey is becoming about strength and perseverance than being thin. My goals still include losing weight, because that's what I've always thought would change my life for the better (though now that I've lost a bit, it's becoming clearer that it's the confidence you gain through disciplining yourself that really help with that, not the number on the scale). But more exciting is every time I run a 5k faster than a few days before, or being able to lift 30 pounds instead of 20, or being able to use the strength machines at a setting much higher than the base amount! And doing pushups! I can do 5 normal ones at a go, or 25 of the modified ones. And crunches! Over 100 a day of the normal ones and 50 of the reverse crunches. This is really easy for a fit person but for someone who's never been able to do a regular pushup in their entire life, this is the best feeling in the world!

I've found myself a bit addicted to that after-workout adrenaline rush, but I'm trying to pace myself so I still get rest days. I have always heard about over-exercising and don't want to ruin my progress at all. Thinking about signing up for a yoga class, though. Flexibility and control is something I'd love to improve.

Everyone is noticing my weight loss now, and that's really nice. I put up a new pic on facebook, and this guy from my hometown who has always had a crush on me but never went anywhere msg'd me and said I looked smaller. I said I was. He said something to the effect of "i liked you the way you were. now if we were to cuddle you'd have bones sticking into me" . I was annoyed. I told him that it would be muscle, not bones, and he made some comment about how i would be the 'man' and 'wear the pants' if I had more muscle than him. Idiot. >:( I wouldn't cuddle him anyway, but why assume that what I'm doing is for any man at all?! I don't care if anyone likes my body as long as I like it. Why do men think that we want to be healthier for THEIR benefit? What about ours? Even my boyfriend said something in the beginning to the effect of "You don't need to, i am attracted to you the way you are now." Words of support I suppose, but still, what makes him think it has anything to do with him? Rant over, feel better now. :P

(4 comments)

16 September 2010

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
77.8 kg	12.0 kg	14.3 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 3.2 kg a Week

erin74kr's Weight History

View Complete History